Can I outrun cancer?
Of course not, I know that. After that last visit to UC’s machine, I came home feeling like I couldn’t do it. What are my options? To have a mastectomy (one extreme) to have nothing (the other end of the spectrum) or to do this.
As a Buddhist, I recognize the middle way as being the best way. Never to waver to one extreme or the other.
Many people fill their time with thinking about what caused this, and what they’re going to do to fix it. Many people smoke, and so they say “Smoking gave me cancer” and they quit. They become vegetarians, start watching what they eat, and they start to exercize regularly (hey, any time that happens, it’s a GOOD thing…sorry, that was the nurse talking.)
I’ve spent many days thinking “how could I get this?” I tested negative for the breast cancer gene (true, it’s only two genes that they know of, there may be hundreds, thousands of genes we don’t know of that cause cancer…genetics is a fuzzy thing still and we don’t know lots about it.) I personally think I did it to myself by taking the Omega acids every day for 4 years.
I was doing the Swank diet for slowing down the progression of Multiple Sclerosis. I was taking Dr. Swank’s recommended amount of Omega 3 and 6 supplements, and it was working—the MS hadn’t progressed one iota in 5 years, and when I didn’t take the supplements I felt like hell. After I stopped taking them altogether, I noticed my neuropathy came back…that burning in my right foot which made me feel as if someone had laid a burning charcoal briquette on top of my foot. I had this a lot in New York, but it was rare here at home…it lasted about a month after stopping the supplements.
Supplements are bad, I don’t care what anyone says. If we have a potential to screw ourselves up, it’s by taking shit in pill form that we have NO IDEA how it’s affecting the rest of our system. I will never take another supplement ever again. If I can’t get it from food (a safe form) I don’t want it.
The Omega fatty acids were doing a great job of suppressing my immune system. MS is a neurological auto-immune disease, for those of you reading this that may not know. Your own immune system attacks your neurology, and eventually, you lose the ability to walk, and move, but on the way, you get to feel all sorts of things, pain, burning, pins, needles…everyone is different. The main symptom is fatigue. It’s bone dragging fatigue—not like the fatigue of being a busy mom, with a job…or the fatigue of having been up for three days without sleeping. It’s fatigue that you wake up with, and you feel as though your limbs are filled with heavy wet sand, and if someone tried to stab you with a knife, you couldn’t even raise your hand to try to block it, or move to get out of the way—THAT tired.
So, it was doing a great job of keeping THOSE symptoms away, but at the same time, your immune system does things like attack tumor cells that are newly hatched. So, did I give this cancer a start? Maybe not, but I sure gave it a leg-up and protected it by keeping my immune system from hurting it, or killing it.
My brother was a big fan of vitamins. He’d wake up every morning and take a handful of stuff—well, I can’t blame his death on supplements, but it’s not the best way to get your nutrition.
I have three things I want to say:
I got an email from a college friend, and it touched me. She felt bad at not having contacted me for a while (maybe a month or two?) and she was nervous that I would be mad at her—hey folks, I am so not mad for not hearing from you. This is some heavy shit, and even I don’t know what to say to myself. Please.
Keep in mind that I’m venting here, all the time. You are seeing the product of what goes on between my ears, and comes out my moving fingers…this is stuff I don’t even say out loud, no censoring…so I appologize if it’s rough and puts you off, or is scary. I’m scared. It’s raw emotion most of the time.
That I haven’t heard from you is not offensive to me—I know you all have lives, and I know that some times there’s just nothing to say. There’s nothing you CAN say that will take any of this away, so…I just want to let you know that I appreciate you “listening” even if you don’t “say” anything. You don’t have to address it, if you don’t want, and if you want to, that’s cool too.
Second…My hair is starting to grow back. It’s about 1/4 inch long, and sort of a pewter color, like a weimeraner, though it looks darker in some light…I forget what my hair looked like, but I think it was more auburn or with more red tones in it…who knows.
Third—I’ve started to try to get mad, and get back in the game. I spent all day yesterday putting away my art supplies and cleaning off my desk. I was doing the art journal (which I still plan on doing, but I don’t want it to be my #1 focus, as it was for a while) and artist trading cards (of which, I sold a few on ebay.) I had reverted to my childhood in finding comfort in art. When I was a kid, every time I got sick, I got a new coloring book and crayons. My brother got comic books, so I felt especially lucky. In all this mental turmoil, while my life was being dumped out on to the floor like a purse, I reverted back to what comforted me most. At first I was lost, and felt rigid and tried to do lovely sketches and things like I had done in college, during my architectural training. Then I discovered Art Journaling and it was over—permission to be creative and sloppy and expressive!
So, now, with a clean desk, and fewer distractions, I pulled out my books and started to try to re-learn my acute care stuff. Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to tackle Hemodynamics first, but that’s me—go for the tough stuff.
I’m absolutely panic-stricken that I’ve forgotten everything from the ICU. I was sad when the ICU I work at was smaller than the CCU I was in during school (all cardiac transplant patients!) but it was a job, and so I took it. I thought I’d have to do lots of self-study THEN, but NOW…I wonder if it’s even possible.
Why am I griping about this here? This is stuff for the old blog, which I haven’t touched since I stopped working. I don’t know—it’s just one of the three things on my mind today.
I’m thinking about giving up disability, and going back to work.
I’m thinking about giving up my job, and going back to school.
I’m thinking about the possibility of failing at school, and coming home with six figure debt to pay back on an RN’s salary…
and good luck finding a job in THIS economy…there’s probably a hiring freeze everywhere.
At least I’m not thinking about the radiation today.
I’m supposed to get my first dose Monday.
Let me get back to worrying about hemodynamics, heh.
I love you all—be well, and know that you are all aces in my book, whether I’ve heard from you or not ;)
