Even in my dreams, they won’t leave me alone
I was just rounding the corner with my coffee when I rembered the dream I had this morning. I woke up early, and then decided to go have an additional lie down because it was WAY to early (thanks, Mr. lean-on-the-horn on 168th street this morning)
I dreamed I was at a nice, upscale, exotic restaurant (maybe Thai? or Indian food?) and the waitress brought over something that she gave the person I was with, and then she threw the rest of it away without offering any to me. How odd, I thought. It was like a spoonfull of what looked like yogurt, mixed with mango—I don’t know…the point is she threw the rest at some kid who had asked her for some, and my thinking went’ “the correct way to have handled that would have been to offer me some first, and if I had said yes, get the kid his own later.”
She then kept coming back, harping on me and hurting me. The dream ended with me wrestling her, she never got unpleasant or stopped smiling, but she was so strong—she started by trying to tie what little hair I have into a pony tail (as I guess was customary for diners in the restaurant?) and I kept trying to push her off, and she was pulling my hair and I was saying “OW!!! NO!!! Get OFF!!! Chemo curls!! My scalp is still tender! Don’t!” and so forth.
In writing this, I realize that the oblivious waitress, indifferent to my suffering is Cancer. She even took my hair off in trying to tie it back. The thing she was offering my guest was life—a small bit of it, say a year, that was both sweet, and sour, but I didn’t even get it offered to me, instead it went elsewhere—and this is probably symbolic of the year I lost.
I wonder when I’ll stop having this thing be part of my life. I know there’s a point when you finally are beyond it, but it hasn’t come for me, though I know it’s early yet.
In the meantime, if you’re a waitress and you try to put what little hair I’ve got in a ponytail, I will wrestel you to the ground, even if you are strong, and appear unbothered by my best efforts :)
