a suck graph
If I were to graph what the levels of suck have been, you’d see a line gently sloping upward.
The surgery sucked, but compared to the chemo, it was nothing. The radiation, on the other hand, was worse than the chemo, and now, the Tamoxifen is working me worse than any of the others combined.
I cancelled my appointment to see my oncologist (Dr. “WTF do I know”) because it always seems like a waste of my copay to go see her—I get nothing. There’s nothing new to tell her, so we just stare at each other. It’s all for their CYA (cover your ass) to document that they were following me, seeing me, etc. No answers, nothing but nag, nag, nag and no data, no support. I’ve tried to switch MDs, even appealing to the floor manager, but I end up back in her lap, because everyone else is booked solid, and can’t take a “new patient.”
I know statistically, people who like their oncological staff do better—if this is so, I’m a dead woman because I loathe both the MD and her NP.
I still adore my surgeon, Cheryl, however—she’s everything I want to be in health care, and more; capable, patient, informative, compassionate, helpful…she’s a saint.
So, I’m supposed to be taking this tamoxifen crap, and I was baking scones the other day when I opened the fridge to see the bottle, taunting me “hah hah—fuck you, you’re afraid to take me…yer gonna die, hah hah” So I opened the bottle quickly, took one and dry swallowed it like a bug. I followed it with a big glass of water, and I had had breakfast just before, so it didn’t bother my stomach.
Skip one day. On the third day, I’m supposed to take another one of those cockroaches—they might as well be. I opened the bottle, just like the other day, took one, didn’t look at it, and swallowed it before I could think “poisonpoisonpoisonpoison.” I had had breakfast, and followed it with a big glass of water, as directed. This shit is so toxic that they make you taper up your usage, every other day at first, to let your body get used to it.
“poisonpoisonpoisonpoison.”
Within 20 minutes, my stomach started burning and nausea set in like day two post chemo. It lasted all day, getting worse just before dinner. That was only the second pill I’d ever taken, and it knocked me on my ass all day. My mom didn’t take this pill QD (every day.) She took it about once or twice a week—I was considering doing the same, but if it’s going to make me feel this way, I may just forget about it all together.
Match that with the articles I was just reading about a study done to see if Tamoxifen causes ER negative cancer. In studies, they weren’t sure if it’s just that the Tamoxifen had suppressed the ER+ cancer, and coincidentally, ER- cancer occurred, or if it caused it somehow. The prognosis for ER- cancer is worse than for ER+ (partly, because there are no drugs, like tamoxifen, to control it, so it’s numbers are far worse. The chemo for ER- drugs is far worse, too, from what I hear.)
WTF am I taking?
Today is my non-taking day—and I’m still queezy. There are some women who can’t take this drug for how sick it makes them. I can tell you that there is no way I could live a normal life, do the things I’ve planned to do; go back to work, go back to school, become a productive member of society again, if I have this sort of reaction to this drug.
Here’s the mind-blower: There are other women who take this drug in hopes of PREVENTING breast cancer from ever happening…can you imagine? Otherwise healthy women signed up to take this shit without a personal history of breast cancer, but merely they were considered to be “high risk.”
I can’t wrap my mind around that one. Taking this shit PROPHYLACTICALLY!?
In the meantime, I’ve started to try to get my endurance back up. I’ve managed to get into those Fitness DVDs and strength building exercises (thanks to the local library) that get you moving. It’s helped, but the last 4 days I haven’t been able to do it for the nausea.
Still no word about my Uncle. No news is never good news with those guys.
