December 2008
15 posts
the depths
I recognize, with my clinical eye, a patient that is depressed. I can see in their lack-luster way, the far away stare, the downcast eyes, the monotone laconic answers to questions…the long gaps of quiet between questions.
This is me. I’m now on both sides of the dressing gown and patient ID bracelet. I recognize the symptoms…I’m depressed. I tell myself that I need to...
you think...
You think that you have control over your life, but you don’t really. You think that you are doing yourself some good by eating right, not smoking, exercizing, avoiding chemicals and processed foods (has anyone ever needed Red Dye #5?)
You think that doing all these things will afford you a healthier life, that the problems that plague the people who disregard their health will pass you...
Has it been 21 days?
(sigh) As much as I want to get this part of my life OVER, I dread the infusions. Monday, I get another round of Adriamycin, and Cytoxan, along with decadron (a steroid that makes me break out all over, adds to my anger and moodiness, but keeps me from barfing myself inside out) and then the Neupogen shots for a few days afterward. When I say I’m truely sick and tired of it, I really do...
Bone pain?
What they described as bone pain, was more like joint pain.
I had my third (and final) Neupogen shot Friday and by the evening, I was cracking, and my hips felt like they were loose and like I was about to dislocate out of the socket. My back, which used to crack when I was in my 20s, but hasn’t since then, was cracking again, like a zipper, all the way up—it’s crazy.
The only...
Good news for a change?
Well, to our surprise, I am NOT BRCA-1/BRCA-2 gene positive. They concluded, definitely, that I am not, which is good news because this is also something they worry about with ovarian cancer.
So, we had a lovely meeting with Beth, the geneticist, who made several really great observations:
when I told her about my NP, she said I should most definitely bring it up with Cheryl, my super-star...
Genes
Today I have an appointment with Beth, the geneticist, to find out the results (if there are any) of the BRCA1/2 gene test. As I was telling George last night, I don’t know how I feel, I only know what the results will mean.
1) the result comes back positive: this means I have the gene for breast cancer, and the best thing to do is have the bilateral mastectomy. The decision is basically...
Passive/Aggressive? you be the judge...
So, George came home early and we left at 1 for a 2 o’clock appointment for this Neupogen shot. We got there at 1:40 (it was raining, there was traffic) and we moved from the outer waiting room to the inner waiting room quickly enough, but when we got to the point where the RN called me to take my vital signs, that’s as far as we got. A while later, another nurse came by to tell...
Politick-ing
Yesterday, I told George on the IM window that UCSF hadn’t called, nor would they. For them to call, would be for them to either A) say to have the shot beyond the date it was specified, or B) say ‘don’t have it, it’s too late’ or whatever.
So, he managaed to convey to someone that we weren’t getting any calls back and of course, they got the practice manager...
What the...
not that this has anything to do with my cancer struggles (other than, it made me forget them, momentarily) but the shoe throwing…what the heck? And, what George and I were talking about…did it look like Bush is an expert shoe-dodger? He not only knew HOW much to dodge each time, but he wasn’t even taken aback! It’s as if Laura hucks things at him all day long, or...
I said, "DON'T get me STARTED!..."
So, here’s what happened last week.
I went to the pre-infusion appointment and got grief from the cow NP that accused me of not following up, and being my own advocate, yadda yadda, and of using a lot of energy in being angry (F you, how’s that for angry?)
She mentioned that “neupogen” would just magically “show up” at my house on tuesday and that I’d...
Insurance companies...
Don’t get me started. If there’s a special, inner ring of hell, politicians and insurance people will fill it.
After trying several different emergency co-pay fund sources, Health Net has finally agreed to cover the Neupogen shots, but only if I drive in to UCSF every day for a week.
Compared to paying 1800 bucks, I’ll drive, I guess.
This is how insurance companies work;...
Half way done
Monday, I had my second of four chemo cycles. It was delayed a week (that’s bad) because my ANC (absolute neutrofil count) was low. Essentially, the white blood cells which fight infection, were too low to give me another cycle, and wipe me out completely. This would have made it likely that I’d contract an infection, become septic, and need hospitalization (I think of the ICU...
there's nothing uglier...
than a woman with no hair. When I undress to bathe, I look like a mannequin, no clothes, no wig, no life in me.
I’m struggling to find something to cover it so I don’t have to look at it…last night I slept in a fleece winter cap (one I bought for our last winter camping trip) and it worked great. My head, neck and ears stayed warm, and when I pulled it down over my eyes,...
I don't have a plan
That’s nurse-speak.
Having a plan is bad. That means, you’re thinking about ending it all, and not only that, you’ve thought about a way to do it.
Today, I was so down, so defeated, so miserable, that I thought about how maybe the end is just a better option. I’m wondering if I’ve chosen the right thing by taking this chemo.
I got an email from my aunt...
toward whom may I direct my anger?
I’m frustrated.
There’s no one to blame for any of this, not even what I consider to be ineptness on the part of UCSF and their appointment scheduling/staff. I woke up at 5:45 am…got ready, get there at 7 am for routine lab work, then I go up for my 8:15 appointment with the “chemo nurse” (and, remember I wanted to have Friday afternoon appointments, but they...