My life, in a Tumblr: Archive

Long time no blog!

Not to worry, dear friends…I’m doing fine, healthwise…but my career, however…THAT appears to be on life support! And so, here I am, dear friends. I have not written anything on this blog for ages, and though I started it to fill you all in on what was going on with me during treatment, I find it strangely apropos to continue writing here about what is going on now, with my...

Jun 6th

anger

I noticed last month that I was getting increasingly bitter about all of this breast cancer stuff…like shockwaves from an earthquake a year ago, very odd. It’s not that it’s hitting me in a delayed fashion, it’s that I’m noticing all the deficit I’m going thru now that was not here two years ago—this shitty hair, my worsening vision…yes, some of...

Apr 2nd

Mono-Ovary

So, I had been trying to get this cyst removed from my right ovary. during this break from school. It was discovered on an MRI during all that diagnostic stuff last year. Since the anesthesia program ramps up and I won’t get much of a chance to come home during the next two years, I knew it had to be now or never. My worry was that it would start to tortion the ovary, and its blood...

Dec 26th

Watch

so, it’s been a while since I posted anything here, so I decided to share this vid I made yesterday with you. I apologize for how shakey it is (MS hand weakness PLUS a low blood sugar, PLUS a crappy $11 ebay camera all conspired against me.) I hate the way I look, talk, walk, make faces while talking, so I’m making this vid private on youtube…this is a slightly shorter version...

Nov 27th

"Anniversaries"

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my first chemo infusion. I thought about it a lot, as I sat in my Pharmacology of Anesthestics class. I would rather be sitting here, than there, I kept thinking. I remember going to the infusion center and falling apart. I had held it together pretty well until that point. Diagnosis, finding the right oncologist and surgeon, talking about treatment...

Nov 11th

Jurassic Park

I had that horrible, terrifying Jurassic park dream again, in which I and a small group of people (at first…they dwindle down as the dream goes on) are the last survivors on earth after proliferation of large, fast, toothy beasts that take over as dominant species. This time, the dream was a deja vu—or rather, I kept saying in the dream “last time, this and this happened. THIS...

Oct 25th

1 note

sometimes, it hits me

Sometimes, without warning, it just hits me, that a few months ago, I was worrying about the radiation treatments, or the chemo. I forget now, looking back, how bad it really was. Sometimes, for a second, I can remember the feeling of dread, every day for six weeks, going for the radiation, crying in the machine every time for a week or so. Now I dread tests, the anesthesia machine check out...

Oct 21st

Sunday Morning Panic

I’ve been in this position so long I think I’m growing roots! I’m in full panic mode before my pharmacology of anesthestics test, on tuesday. Just picture me in this position until then :) (wish me luck!)

Oct 11th

Lunch with Bill

So, I look completely cross-eyed and fat :( And I have a peculiar voice! Bah! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLERkjMS56k&feature=sub

Oct 8th

Thinking about last year

I had lunch with my friend Bill, (the famous YouTube Bill) whom is in town for business. I realized that talking about cancer it still a bit tough, though, not as much as you might think (I’m a nurse, damnit, I can talk about poop while I’m eating, or really gross procedures—no big whoop) Still, I thought about how lucky I am to have the opportunity to be here, to be studying,...

Oct 7th

good things

I’m not Martha Stewart, but I try to be happy about things that are awesome, compared to cancer— Like, I was STOKED to be cramming for an exam again, and went in super confident(though, I did answer a couple questions stupidly and without stopping to REALLY read the question—so a couple were backwards, ah well, can’t be a perfect score!) I got to spend about an hour with...

Oct 6th

What did you do yesterday?

I ask because I’m humbled and almost ashamed. I sat on my ass all day, studying, at the library, then came home, ate dinner, and sat on my ass in my room, and studied some more for Monday’s homeostatics exam. (I thought I knew a lot about respiratory physiology, HAH!) So, yesterday, while you and I were on our largest skeletal muscles (are they? I think they are) my friend Jen was...

Oct 3rd

Even in my dreams, they won't leave me alone

I was just rounding the corner with my coffee when I rembered the dream I had this morning. I woke up early, and then decided to go have an additional lie down because it was WAY to early (thanks, Mr. lean-on-the-horn on 168th street this morning) I dreamed I was at a nice, upscale, exotic restaurant (maybe Thai? or Indian food?) and the waitress brought over something that she gave the person...

Oct 1st

1 note

The universe is trying to make up for 43 crappy...

So, wow—my head is going in every direction this morning. And it’s not because I had trouble falling asleep and then the fire alarm went off in the dorm so I only managed to get in 3 hours. It’s more. I reconnected with one of the most infuential people in my life the other night by phone—a very dear friend, John Fiddler, whom I met because he was my preceptor during...

Sep 29th

Happy

I tell you, you have to have a sense of humor to make it through life. If you haven’t got that, then you may as well check out, because nothing is going to go the way you either expect it to, or want it to. While I have my moments, I think I am mostly one of those people who looks for the silver lining. My mom used to say “No hay mal, que por bien, no venga” which, loosly...

Sep 27th

Swimming as a metaphor for life

So, I was in the pool today, doing laps again. I used to play water polo, and that was honestly the rockingest shape I’ve ever been in…6 pack abs, cut and toned arms, the works (it didn’t last!) The only thing I can pretty much do until I have this ovarian cyst out is yoga and swimming. I can’t do anything jarring or hoppy, so this makes for a doughy Lisa. So, there I...

Sep 24th

Swayze

Patrick Swayze died yesterday, and for a moment, I thought of my own battle with cancer. Yes, I know pancreatic cancer is far more insidious; my uncle was diagnosed with it and was dead 3 months later—I know. But in some odd way, cancer is cancer. For a moment, I didn’t want to acknowledge his death—and I felt like those rabbits in the book “Watership Down” whom...

Sep 16th

swimming with, and without, my cancer

I decided to go for a swim yesterday, but I didn’t because my back and hamstrings were all so tight…I postponed. I got up today and was still so darned tight, all the way from my thoracic spine down to my knees. I did about an hour of yoga with “Baron Baptiste” on Netflix (the Long and Lean Yoga…I love it) and felt great and stretched out afterward. Later I went to...

Sep 12th

Very cool people

My best friend, Jean, the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have, was in New York for a few days. She got here before I did, actually, for the Brazilian parade and the West Indies parade (the photos looked so cool I wish I’d gone!) We spoke a few times on the phone and facebooked each other and decided to meet up downtown (ugh!) at Times square yesterday. I just wanted to see her;...

Sep 11th

Did I dream I went home?

Here I am again—New York. Today, I sat in class…Pharmacology of Anesthetics. I looked around, and recognized no-one. Everyone seemed to know each-other. I feel like cancer has robbed me not only of one year, but of my chance to go to school with my friends—great people; brilliant, actually. “You’ll make new friends” I keep hearing. And, I’m sure I...

Sep 9th

Results from Dr. Gorgeous

So, after a few days of calling his office, he finally calls me back—he’s read the radilogist’s report, and it appears that this cyst is 4 cm in diameter, so there’s time to take care of it. It sounds like I can go to school in NYC provided I don’t jump around, run, do jumping jacks, etc. that may cause the ovary to torsion and cut off blood supply. I will call...

Aug 28th

FML 2

For those of you whom are not fully up to date on your “net speak” FML means Fuck my life. When your luck is going ALL the WRONG way, you write FML. Today, I went to the same hospital where I was born, where they did the first breast biopsy. Today I was there for the ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. Let me tell you, that’s the LAST time they’ll be doing THAT...

Aug 21st

some explanations

So, I had to go see passive-aggressive NP the other day, because the new Doc isn’t quite on board yet at UCSF. I told her about the odd-ball menstrual issues, and she explained that it’s normal because I haven’t had a menstrual cycle since December of last year, so it’s normal to expect a heavier than normal cycle. This makes sense. She also said many patients have their...

Aug 20th

FML

So, I went to see my gynecologist the other day, Dr. Gorgeous, and he palpated my abdommen and felt that cyst on my left ovary…and OUCH. Suddenly, I’m worried about going to New York with this ticking time-bomb on my ovary, what if the pain becomes acute and I have to take care of it—what, in New York? With George here in San Fran? And me there, alone? I’m hoping I can...

Aug 16th

Goodbye, Dr. Stupid, Hello Dr. Lin

So, after only 8 or 9 months, I finally succeeded in switching oncologists—I am now going to be seeing Dr. Lin, but she’s on vacation so I’m awaiting her return for her to OK this. Dr. Stupid OKed it—good ridance. Today I have to go see my gyenecologist, Dr. R. He’s so absolutely gorgeous, that it makes it a bit more awkward. He looks like a cross between Gerard...

Aug 13th

A touching reminder

My best friend sent me this. I don’t usually watch these shows, so I hadn’t seen it. I missed the first few seconds of the playback, so I didn’t notice the subject matter until I saw her movements, and recognized she was feigning being sick, then the head scarf, and the way her partner was supporting her and lifting her… Without George, I would not have survived, and my...

Jul 23rd

Almost a year now...

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my first biopsy. I remember thinking “nothing bad ever happens on Bastille Day…” (hah) Two days later, on the 16th, I received the call telling me there was “a little bit of cancer, there” and I remember thinking how odd that MDs don’t have a similar education to we nurses…a nurse would never have said it that...

Jul 13th

I wonder what dreams mean...

I often dream of my brother, Roland, or my mom. In these dreams, there’s always something kooky or unreasonable. Last night, I dreamed about Roland. He had come to me and said “teach me about composting.” So naturally, I started tellilng him about vermiculture (worm bin composting) but he had brought a whole bunch of rain gutters that were left over from replacing them on the...

Jun 20th

Uh...

I have gotten what seems like my period. GREAT. I haven’t had one since December of last year…and six months later, my ovaries are in high gear again…GREAT. Me, I don’t mind. I like the things estrogen does for me—keeps me looking young, keeps my skin and hair looking good, keeps my boobs defying gravity. But the cancer appears to like my estrogen, so the tactic...

Jun 11th

I can't believe this

I’ve broken a tooth. Eating popcorn. what a frigging BUMMER!

Jun 6th

On the Waterfront...

In the movie “On the Waterfront” Marlon Brando plays a mob lackey, who’s job it is to just lean on guys, and be the muscle for the mob. In the beginning part of the movie, he lures Joey (who’s wanted by the mob for talking to the wrong guys and the mov thinks trying to unionize the dock workers) under the guise that he’s found one of his carrier pigeons, and that...

Jun 5th

a suck graph

If I were to graph what the levels of suck have been, you’d see a line gently sloping upward. The surgery sucked, but compared to the chemo, it was nothing. The radiation, on the other hand, was worse than the chemo, and now, the Tamoxifen is working me worse than any of the others combined. I cancelled my appointment to see my oncologist (Dr. “WTF do I know”) because it...

May 21st

Still no word

I tried calling Buenos Aires this weekend, but my aunt didn’t answer the phone. It’s possible she’s at the hospital visiting my uncle, or that she went to see her first grandchild, Joaquín, a week old now. My cousin and his wife just had a baby—it seems traditional in this family that when one life enters, another departs. I think it started with my grandfather dying...

May 18th

A sad day

I received an email from my aunt in Buenos Aires about my Uncle, her brother. The email said he was in the hospital getting analyses to see what’s wrong with him, but I emailed my cousin and he told me that this uncle is in the later stages of esophageal cancer. Apparently, he was diagnosed a few years ago, and underwent surgery and maybe treatment, and told only one brother and swore him...

May 5th

Afraid again

My next hurdle is the taking of this tamoxifen. It’s a drug that suppresses the ovaries in their production of estrogen. Since my cancer was ER positive (estrogen receptor positive) the lowering of estrogen is a good thing (I guess.) A few months ago, I was having hot flashes from the chemo, and hating life. My hot flashes got so bad that they came with a severe nausea, and once I almost...

May 5th

I'm a doggy enabler

Rutger is doing better, but now he’s afraid to walk on the hardwood floors, or the kitchen linoleum because of his recent dizzy spells. I laid one of my yoga mats from the kitchen door to his food and water dishes, and another one to stretch from the area rug in the living room to the hall. He crosses them with the same trepidation one might cross a rickety rope bridge, and at the half-way...

Apr 29th

Getting old sucks

Today is my 43rd birthday. Gah…that sounds so old! I still feel like I am about to turn 18 or 19. Somehow, I’m in my 40s. I guess the alternative to getting old sucks too (just ask my brother.) We had some drama. We took a short road trip to northern California, in order to scope out good camping areas before a much-anticipated road trip to Seattle (maybe) in August. We decided...

Apr 22nd

Getting all back

Today, I went back to see Dr. F who commended me on how well I’m taking care of my skin (she’s talking about the skin on my breast, not my face…that’s the same as it ever was!) She wants to continue seeing me tuesdays, and I suppose that in a few weeks she’ll set me loose on my own, to go back and figure my life out again…what was it I was doing with my time...

Apr 14th

Debridment, financial worries, the other shoe

So, I saw Dr. F again on Tuesdays as per our standing routine. She decided to take some skin off from under my breast (that’s not a sensitive area…) with a pair of tweezers. As a nurse, I know this is what’s supposed to be done. When you expose the new, pink skin, full of granulocytes to the surface, the skin repairs itself better, heals more quickly and thoroughly. However, as...

Apr 9th

Being a nurse, again.

With all that I’ve been through these past 9 months, I wondered if I could go back to work. How would I treat a patient that had attempted to kill herself with a Tylenol overdose because her abusive boyfriend left her, when I’ve been fighting for my life? Would compassion be out the window for patients like this? I thought I might be ruined. No matter how sick someone was, I...

Apr 7th

Is it Monday already? :(

Sheez, I so look forward to weekends now. Much more than I ever did when I worked 9-5 M-F. Now, by Friday, my left breast is so tender and painful that I am grateful for two days of rest. By Sunday night, I start feeling a little better, and then it dawns on me that Monday is at hand. (sigh) I talked to my supervisor, who just wanted to know what’s going on, and when I plan on coming back to...

Mar 30th

Just when you get used to the suckfest...

I see Dr. F (my radiologist) every Tuesday. Yesterday she noted that my left breast is starting to show the pink of radiation burn (in my mind I’ve done better than the warning she gave me of being sunburned at the end of two weeks—I made it to the end of 3 weeks before getting a bit of pink started. Italian skin be praised!) She also noted some foliculitis and switched my...

Mar 25th

Meeting with Dr. Dufus today

Before I go to my rad appt today, I have to stop by the breast care center and see Dr. Dufus (not her real name, but it’s the most “Family-rated” version of the name I call her.) This is the appointment where she will try to talk me into Tamoxifen. I still don’t know about this drug. Protecting against breast cancer, and bone building is a good thing. DVT, Strokes, MI,...

Mar 23rd

What the HELL is "brown fat?"

Well, apparently, that is what they seem to think it was on my scan. My radiologist said she had to look it up, too. Here is the Wikipedia definition. Newborns, and hibernating animals (of which, I am neither) have it, and I can’t think of anyone who’s farther from hibernation or newborn than me. What the hell is going on with my whack body? Brown fat?! Seriously!?

Mar 19th

Something on my scan...

I saw the radiologist yesterday and she starts with “so I saw the results of your PET/CT…” and I stopped her and asked “Am I going to faint? Do I need my husband in here? Are you going to tell me something bad?” She stopped and wondered. That’s when I got dizzy. It turns out, there is something suspicious on my scan…but it’s nothing she says. ...

Mar 18th

PET/CT take two...

I had to show up at China Basin today and have another PET/CT scan. I had one in August, to see if the other stuff they saw on my liver and other breast on the MRI was cancer or not. I don’t mind MRIs, but I don’t like the PET/CT. For this one, they start an IV and inject you with glucose that has a radioactive isotope. They tell you to hang out for about half an hour in the waiting...

Mar 17th

Health care

I don’t get this flap about Obama’s health care reform. Why would anyone oppose this? Because it’s using taxpayer money to fix something that we all need, or will need, eventually? I have always thought I had great health care insurance. Everytime I had a sore throat, a fever, a bladder infection, a twisted ankle, insurance was there for me. Get Cancer sometime. ...

Mar 6th

Two down, twenty-eight to go

The thing that bothers me most, during treatment is the thought that long after these treatments are over, I’m still not in the clear. The danger of another cancer (Sarcoma, a cancer of the connective tissues, possibly in a blood vessel) is down the road. In other words, I won’t know until I get it. Ten, twenty years won’t put me in the clear. Sure, the risk is low, but, as I...

Mar 4th

Snow Day

I received an email from Judy Honig, the big wig of the Columbia School of Nursing, stating that there’s a snow day today. It’s a good thing I didn’t go to classes, then. If you had any idea how many times I checked my email that year I was in New York, first thing in the morning, hoping to see the words “Snow Day.” Instead of getting a free day off, I have to go...

Mar 2nd

Can I outrun cancer?

Of course not, I know that. After that last visit to UC’s machine, I came home feeling like I couldn’t do it. What are my options? To have a mastectomy (one extreme) to have nothing (the other end of the spectrum) or to do this. As a Buddhist, I recognize the middle way as being the best way. Never to waver to one extreme or the other. Many people fill their time with thinking...

Feb 27th